Closed Doors Read online

  It wasn’t fair and so I go tell Marianne’s da. This causes Marianne’s da to go to Paul’s da to make a big fuss. Paul’s father isn’t even bothered though and keeps nodding and shrugging his shoulders at Marianne’s da, who is very thin and called Skinny Rab. I can’t hear what they are saying but when they start to laugh and stuff I know no one cares Marianne and Paul have been kissing. Marianne hates me now and won’t let me do keepy-uppies at her stupid talent show because even though Marianne’s da and Paul’s da were laughing, Marianne and Paul have to stop kissing now. Even the girls hate me because it’s spoiled Marianne and Paul from being boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m glad though because it’s got rid of the sick feeling I had in my stomach when Dirty Alice made me see them kissing. I hate Dirty Alice and I will punch her in the arm next time I see her.

  FOUR

  I AM WOKEN from my bed and it’s still night-time. Everyone is talking at once, my ma is screaming and my granny is asking for God. I can hear my da but he doesn’t sound quite like Da. He sounds like someone else. His voice is higher than usual and I wonder if the house is on fire. I put my slippers on and sneak downstairs, but I am heard on the step and Da is quick to the staircase.

  ‘Michael, go back to bed,’ he says. His face is red and frightened. I don’t like it one bit. I hear my ma crying and my granny whispering in the background; her words are soft, the kind you say to a child who has fallen.

  ‘What’s the matter, Da? Why is Ma crying?’ I demand.

  ‘Go to bed, Michael.’ He sounds desperate and wants to go back to the kitchen. He keeps looking at the door. There’s something behind it and I’m not supposed to see.

  ‘Please, Michael. Just go upstairs,’ he begs and then uses the wall to hold him up, like he thinks he might fall over or something.

  Da never talks to me like this and so I go upstairs, but I let him know I’m not happy about it. Da watches me go. I can feel his eyes on me. He waits at the bottom of the stairs until he knows I am in my room and then he removes himself and goes to the kitchen. The door is closed tight behind him. I wait for five minutes until a new commotion begins downstairs. It’s like they can’t stop themselves. I decide I’ve had enough and go downstairs. I am very careful to avoid the creaky step this time. I make it to the kitchen door and no one has heard me. I’m quite pleased with myself and lean against the door.

  ‘You must have seen something. Think!’ begs Granny.

  ‘He has a gold chain on his wrist. It was heavy,’ cries Ma.

  ‘What else?’ says Da.

  ‘He was tall,’ whispers Ma. ‘I don’t remember anything else. It was dark. Oh God, he wouldn’t let me go till he had a smoke.’ She starts to scream. Granny has to get her to calm down. She’s probably worried about the neighbours. Granny is always worried about the neighbours.

  ‘We have to call the police,’ says Da.

  ‘No,’ cries Ma.

  ‘What are you talking about?’ says Granny. ‘There’s a madman out there.’

  ‘No, Shirley,’ begs Ma. ‘I don’t want people to know.’

  Granny and Da go quiet. Ma whispers something else through sobs and I can’t hear anything.

  ‘No,’ says Da. ‘You don’t know what you’re saying!’

  ‘It’s what I want. We’ll say I fell. I won’t go to the police. I won’t. They’ll say things about me. Terrible things. Oh God,’ Ma yells out. The crying continues and so much of it. I wonder what’s wrong with her. Then Da tells Ma she shouldn’t have been walking through the park at all. ‘If I’ve told you once then I’ve told you a thousand times go down the high street. Why the hell would you walk through the park anyway? It’s pitch black.’ I hear him cry like a baby. I haven’t heard my da cry since John Lennon died and I must have made a noise because the next thing the door is suddenly ripped open and Da is standing there, his face wet with tears.

  ‘What do you think you’re doing?’

  I look past him to Ma. Her face is bloody and Granny is holding her so tight I wonder if Ma can breathe.

  ‘What happened to Ma?’ I gasp. I want to go to her straight away, but Da won’t let me past him. ‘What’s wrong, Ma?’ I ask. Ma buries her head in Granny’s chest. She can’t even look at me.

  That’s when Granny tells me Ma has seen a flasher. Da gives Granny a terrible look as if she’s said something mad.

  ‘What’s a flasher?’ I ask.

  ‘A pervert,’ Granny screams and grabs Ma tighter.

  ‘Why is there all this blood, Da?’ I ask. It’s making me scared and I think I might cry.

  ‘Ma fell over, son. She ran away from the bad man and then she fell, don’t worry, son, away to bed now,’ says Da.

  ‘That’s right, Michael. This man flashed your ma and scared the life out of her, then she tripped and then she fell and . . .’ Granny doesn’t finish. She starts bawling her eyes out instead. ‘Take him upstairs,’ snaps Granny at Da.

  ‘What about Ma?’ I plead. ‘She’s hurt. I want to stay with her, Da.’

  ‘Come on, son,’ says Da. He puts his hand on my shoulder and leads me from the kitchen all the way upstairs to my bedroom. Da sits me down on the bed. He tells me I’ve not to say anything about the flasher.

  ‘Why?’ I ask.

  ‘People might say things,’ says Da.

  ‘What things?’

  Da is running out of words and rubs at his forehead.

  ‘I don’t know,’ he whispers.

  I worry he’ll get upset again but I still want to know about the blood and Ma and the flasher.

  ‘Da?’ I ask. ‘Tell me why we can’t say anything.’

  ‘Because they might not believe there really was a flasher, Michael,’ whispers Da.

  ‘But why?’ I ask. Nothing makes sense to me. Nothing.

  ‘For Christ’s sake, Michael, just say Ma fell down the concrete stairs in front of our house, will you?’ Da is getting mad, but I don’t care. Everything feels wrong to me.

  ‘But why? Should he not go to jail for flashing at Ma and making her fall like that?’

  ‘No one is to know about the flasher. Do you understand, Michael?’

  I still don’t know what flashing is but I nod in agreement and promise not to tell. Then Da asks me to go to sleep. I agree to that too, although we both know the house is going to be awake all night and I’m right.

  Later Da calls a taxi and takes Ma to hospital. I know this because Ma is screaming she doesn’t want to go. I watch them from Granny’s window. Da has to hold Ma up. When he comes back a few hours later it’s without Ma. I am desperate to know about Ma and sneak back downstairs. I know I’ll get a hiding this time, but I don’t care.

  ‘Did she tell them?’ says Granny.

  Da shakes his head.

  ‘Then what did she say?’

  ‘Nothing. She can hardly open her mouth for God’s sake . . . They think I did it, Ma, you should have seen the look Tommy Gordon gave me in the taxi, even the doctors think I did it. They asked me so many questions. I told them she fell down the stairs, but they weren’t having any of it. The police took me down the station.’

  ‘You have to tell them the truth,’ gasps Granny.

  ‘You heard her. She doesn’t want it.’

  ‘She didn’t know what she was saying, Brian, don’t be stupid,’ says Granny.

  ‘She made me promise, Ma. She said people would say all sorts about her. Maybe she’s right. I don’t know. You know them better than me.’

  ‘People would understand. This wasn’t her fault,’ says Granny.

  ‘Would you understand, Ma?’

  ‘Of course I would. What do you take me for?’

  ‘What about Bridie Forsyth?’

  ‘Bridie Forsyth couldn’t keep her knickers on and Peter Hughes is a good man who goes to chapel every Sunday. He’s very good-looking. He wouldn’t hurt a soul.’

  ‘You don’t know the first thing about Peter Hughes. He’s a fucking drunk and a mean one at that. No woman would make
a thing like that up. She had to leave the fucking island with the gossiping.’

  ‘You know how Bridie was. She was looking for it if you ask me!’

  ‘And maybe that’s what they’ll say about Rosemary. She’s terrified, Ma.’

  Granny is silenced. I wonder who Bridie Forsyth is and what it was she was looking for.

  ‘You’d rather they thought you beat your wife to a pulp?’

  ‘It’s what Rosemary wants,’ he cries.

  ‘And what do you want?’ asks Granny.

  ‘I want to kill the bastard,’ cries Da and then there’s a banging on the table.

  ‘A lot of good that will do now. We don’t even know who he is,’ says Granny.

  I’ve heard enough and go back to my room. In the morning I am full of questions. Granny folds laundry and Da looks tired. I ask him about flashing. He doesn’t want to tell me. Neither does Granny. They want me to disappear with my football, but I don’t. My ma has been flashed at and I want to know what it means. She’s in hospital with a sore face and a limp. She fell hard because of this flasher. I have a right to know what’s going on and why I’m to tell everyone she fell on the stairs. Da gives in and tells me flashing is when a man shows a woman his willy and makes her afraid for her life and so I hope Dirty Alice is flashed. I hate her more than anyone in the world. She’s ruined my whole life because no one will talk to me or play keepy-uppies with me and now Paul MacDonald might fight me because I told on him for kissing Marianne. I don’t want to fight Paul MacDonald, he’s bigger than me. Paul MacDonald is bigger than everyone.

  FIVE

  I LISTEN AT doors now. It’s the only way to find out stuff. No one tells me anything.

  When Ma comes home from the hospital she looks worse than she did before. Her face is like a balloon and she has stitches, some on her cheek and one above her lip.

  I hear Da tell Granny the police can’t touch him because Ma said he didn’t hurt her, but the police don’t believe her anyway. I know no one told them about the flasher.

  ‘I’d be shamed,’ she says to Granny.

  ‘If it was a different town,’ sighs Granny.

  ‘But it’s not!’ snaps Da and goes back to his paper. I wonder if he’s even reading it.

  Things go very quiet at home for a while. No one listens to the radio and when I watch TV I have to keep the sound very low so as not to upset Ma. Da doesn’t talk about Margaret Thatcher even though we might be going to war soon and everyone is talking about it at school. My teacher Mrs Roy says we are the owners of the Falkland Islands and Argentina is trying to steal them from us. She says our prime minister will do what is right for the country because she is a great woman. Deirdra Smith yells ‘Boo’ and calls the prime minister a ‘milk snatcher’. No one knows what Deirdra is talking about and she is sent to the headmistress. When she comes back to class Mrs Roy makes her sit on her own and write lines. When I told my da what Mrs Roy said and what Deirdra yelled he didn’t say anything. Da doesn’t care about Margaret Thatcher any more. He doesn’t even go to the pub on a Sunday to play darts. Da loves darts.

  Ma’s been off work for a couple of weeks and Granny uses her medical experience to help her as much as she can. I think my granny must have been a good nurse. Anyway when Tricia Law comes to visit her Tricia gets the shock of her life because of all the stitches on Ma’s face.

  ‘That was some fall,’ Tricia says to Ma.

  Granny offers Tricia a seat but she’s secretly annoyed I let Tricia into the house at all, but Tricia has been to the house a thousand times to smoke and drink tea and I thought Ma would like to see her. Da looks like he’s going to kill me. Ma looks like she’s going to cry. I am sent out to play.

  Eventually I see Tricia leave the house. She is going to work and will probably walk through the park to clean the school. I want to tell her about the flasher.

  ‘Hey, Michael, come here a minute,’ she calls.

  I put down the football and run to her. Tricia always has sweets and chewing gum in her purse. I like Tricia; she is my favourite friend of Ma’s and is always laughing about this thing and that thing. She’s fun to have around. I thought she might cheer Ma up, but she didn’t.

  ‘How’s your da?’ she says.

  ‘Fine,’ I say back.

  ‘Whereabouts did your ma fall?’ she asks.

  ‘On the stairs in front of the house,’ I say because we have hard stairs and that’s what Da told me to say if anyone asks.

  ‘Is that right?’ she says. She takes some gum out of her purse. It’s Juicy Fruit. I love Juicy Fruit. She gives me two pieces and a big smile. She takes out her cigarettes because she likes to smoke like Ma and Granny. Everyone likes to smoke round here and it drives me mad.

  ‘You know you can come to me about anything funny going on, Michael?’ she says. ‘I know your da likes his beer, but if he’s ever shouting or making you or your ma scared you tell me, OK?’

  I nod.

  ‘See you later,’ she says. ‘And be a good boy for your ma.’

  I nod again and she walks away. She is going to clean the school and will probably take the short cut through the park. I want to tell her she’s in danger but I am too scared of Da and I am called in for my tea. I decide to ignore Granny’s call and follow Tricia instead. It’s still light out and maybe I can catch the flasher and everyone will be happy.

  Tricia walks fast and it’s hard to sneak behind her and not be caught. I know Granny and Da will kill me when I don’t come in for my tea but saving Tricia from a pervert and his dirty willy is more important.

  Tricia smokes her cigarette as if nothing will happen to her and it won’t because I am right behind her. I follow her all the way along Caledonia Walk and wait for her to turn into the park but that’s not what happens, she meets Skinny Rab and they disappear into a dark place until they’re giggling and laughing and having a good time in the bushes. They take a long time by the wood and eventually Skinny Rab comes out pulling at his fly. Tricia follows him and gives him a big kiss, then Tricia says goodbye and turns into Barone Road. She’s not going through the park after all. Skinny Rab waves at her and goes home to Marianne and her ma. I go home to my house. I get a kick up the arse from Da and I’m sent to my room without any tea but I don’t care, I don’t care about anything at all.

  SIX

  IT’S BEEN WELL over a month now and Granny says Ma has to pull herself together. Granny says she has to get on with her life. Ma nods and gets out of bed, and then goes to the bathroom and everyone rolls their eyes to heaven. Da asks about the flasher every chance he gets.

  ‘Try and remember something, anything. He’s out there, Rosemary. He might hurt someone else. I don’t want that on my conscience.’

  It makes Ma cry when he says this.

  ‘I just want to get on with my life and forget,’ she says, or ‘You know how they are round here’ or ‘Stop asking me that’ or ‘I can’t remember’ or ‘What are you trying to say, Brian?’ Mostly she says she can’t remember. It drives Da wild. He banged a door once and put a dent in it. Granny went off her head and told him to calm down.

  ‘You think this is helping?’ screams Granny.

  ‘I can’t take it,’ he says. ‘The bastard is out there. He’s walking around, Ma. I want him dead. I want him under this fist begging for his life.’

  ‘You think she doesn’t?’ yells Granny.

  Da shames quickly. Granny usually knows what to say, not all the time, but a lot of the time. Da grabs his coat.

  ‘Where are you going?’ says Granny.

  ‘For a walk,’ growls Da.

  ‘You won’t find him, Brian. He’s gone now,’ Granny tells him. Da still goes out and Granny shakes her head and sighs. He won’t be back until late and without chips, just the smell of fresh air from all his searching.

  Ma has to have a bath every night and uses up all the hot water. She also makes Da sleep on the sofa, it’s like she can’t stand him sometimes. It drives everyone mad because it
’s not Da’s fault, but no one says anything because of the flasher. Then Da starts asking Ma if she’s OK, like all the time. It gets on her nerves after a while.

  ‘Stop asking me that. I’m fine,’ she tells him.

  ‘You’re far from fine,’ says Da.

  Granny says Ma should go back to work or people will start to wonder what’s wrong with her. Da says Ma isn’t ready. Ma says nothing. Granny says Da has to get a job or use some of Grandpa Jake’s money then.

  ‘We can’t live on fresh air,’ says Granny.

  ‘She’s NOT ready,’ repeats Da and slaps his paper on the table.

  ‘People will think we’re keeping her prisoner or something. She’s never out the house,’ says Granny.

  ‘I don’t give a flying fuck what people think,’ says Da.

  I know serious things are being said when the F-word is being used but no one throws me from the room. No one has thrown me from the room in a long time. They’re so upset about the flasher they forget I’m standing there at all.

  ‘Well, I do,’ screams Granny and slaps a tea cloth on the table. I feel bad for the table.

  Ma sighs and tells them to stop fighting and agrees to go back to work. This makes Granny happy.

  ‘It’s for the best,’ says Granny.

  ‘It’s a mistake,’ says Da.

  ‘Your ma’s right. I need to move on,’ whispers Ma.

  ‘But you’re not ready, it’s only just happened,’ yells Da.

  ‘To who, Brian? To you?’ yells Ma.

  ‘To everyone in this house,’ snaps Da.

  Everything goes still for a minute. Ma picks up some laundry.

  ‘I’m only thinking of you,’ calms Da.